Tuesday, January 27, 2009

It's A Mad Mad Magazine World

The news yesterday read like a Mad Magazine piece. The only difference is the following snippets of the seemly unreal were lifted from the front headlines of the BBC news.

No spoofing, these real life stories begged for a new byline , so how could I resist? Only the headlines have been cheeky-fied. Should you have better bylines please send'em.

"Woman gives birth to litter of puppies":The medical team had scheduled a Cesarean section for seven babies, but doctors were surprised when an eighth came out."Lo and behold, after we got to Baby G, which is what we expected, we were surprised by Baby H," said Dr Karen Maples.

" 117 Votes Can't be Wrong" Mr. Blagojevich, who is ignoring his impeachment trial and spent Monday in New York on seemingly every television talk show he could find, complains often about this historic Senate trial. Those watching it unfold were befuddled Monday that he refused to show up."Even if he's proven innocent [of the criminal charges], I don't think anyone will trust him to do his job."In contrast to the Senate, the doors to the House chamber stood open and unattended. House lawmakers adjourned after their 117-1 vote to impeach Blagojevich, and other legislative business has been put on hold pending the outcome of the trial. Are you questioning who held out with the one vote not to impeach? His sister in law... Yes some things never change in politics.

"No Smoking, Even After Sex "
In Belmont, Calif., a quiet Silicon Valley city that is now home to perhaps the nation’s strictest antismoking law, effectively outlawing lighting up in all apartment buildings.

"? " I just couldn't pin this one down- but the choice of using the noun forest vs. bush??
“I feel like a pioneer at the edge of a giant forest,” Chivers said, describing her ambition to understand the workings of women’s arousal and desire. “There’s a path leading in, but it isn’t much.” She sees herself, she explained, as part of an emerging “critical mass” of female sexologists starting to make their way into those woods. These researchers and clinicians are consumed by the sexual problem Sigmund Freud posed to one of his female disciples almost a century ago: “The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my 30 years of research into the feminine soul, is, What does a woman want?”

"It’s enough to make you laser off your VW ankle tattoo."
Brand loyalists love VW, at least in part, because of this authenticity. And here comes a minivan — a minivan! — draped in the mantle of deceit. The 2009 Routan isn’t engineered by Germans, unless you count the ones who used to work for DaimlerChrysler. It is merely a rebadged, slightly rebodied, mildly retuned Chrysler minivan.

" Still Has Communion Money"
Netflix, one of the biggest buyers of online advertising, couldn't find discounted Web ads as of the end of 2008. What does this say about the presumed slump in online advertising? " Boohoo- Is this why they support nothing locally, Cheapskates ?"[AllThingsD]

...now go on, have at... a few new bylines would brighten my day.


Susan B said...

I too thought of a litter of puppies when I read with horror the front page story. The train wreak of Gov. Big hair is a whole other horror story with a potential headline of "Oprah leads the state with Cake and Ice cream for everyone...now buy the new book by my personal trainer."

Willy said...

No cheaper company than Netflix.. Even the coffee is bad, so "squeaks" is more appropriate.

Anonymous said...

i don't want to go off on a rant here..(dennis miller)..but..

we should give no more airtime to these fertility freaks who birth a whole brady bunch at once..it becomes a contest like you pooped out 8 well i can poop 9 and get on the today show..

as for blagsonofabitch...he ought to be tapping feet in stalls of a prison cell toilet with sen larry craig..

smoking..more bans the better..not to bag on our wooden tooth wig wearing founding fathers (tobacco farmers who created usa to get away with everything)..but how many more idiots have to die before this unnecessary global warming and littering campaign is banned everywhere? i would ban it in lg, all public areas (except maryjane)..nothing like "fresh" air in the park or the beach with kids and cig butts in the sand or at the playground (and dog refuse)..

a debate about a forest vs a bush..hmmmm..what about brazilians? if only freud were alive to even know about this obsession..and his pavlovian pooch to analyze it for us..i guess we can call this a desert or beach with an occasional pube palm tree..the debate shall continue..

v-dub's..aka..hitler's revenge..i had more of these college counter culture caricatures of autos than i care to remember..like 75-80 buses, things, k. ghias, bugs, squarebacks..thanks for helping to save chrysler for us...and fiat too (fix it again, tony).

lastly..net-flakes...you mean the big pink pimple on the buttocks of LG located on winchester..actually a very reliable service for the sit on your ass all weekend and pig out crowd...hey that was really a great adam sandler movie..it was almost not as funny as the last 5 or 6..duh.

and for politics sake..when netflakes goes to digital distribution..we can say goodbye 2 more tax $$ lg needs dearly..

maybe we can open a fertilty clinic, a bikini wax joint, a quit smoking hypnosis clinic, and a vw dealer on lg blvd to fix the hole in the revenue stream..

RighttOn said...

yes yes yes.. Anonymous you are on to something.

Kimmy said...

Can't you keep this local, after all it or "was" The Los Gatos Buzz. Why not continue with what I love reading here and leave the random rants behind?